Only You

Father, in your compassion and abounding love, reside over me and my baby.  With your mighty power have your hand upon the baby.  Only You, can breathe life upon the baby. Only You, can supply me with needed patience, peace, and faithfulness.  Only You, can create.  Only You, can knit this baby and grow this baby.  As I write, I become more and more assured in who You are.  Only You, can form us and bring us to life.  You are an amazing Father full is full of grace, kindness, and mercy- for this I am so thankful.  Continue to have Your way with me.  You want me on my knees.  You want me praying, serving, and worshipping.  You want me completely dependent on You alone.  You have me. Use these moments for Your glory.  Help me to choose good.  Choose to be joyful.  Choose to be hopeful.  Choose to focus on the mighty works of Your hands. Choose to be fully invested in You- for in You I find all I need.  Praise to your Holy Name. 

Here’s the back story.  When I found out I was pregnant, I had these strange and terrible thoughts.  How can God really bless me with five children?  Who am I that He would entrust another to me?  Am I due for trials?  I never had a miscarriage…is it my turn?  Working through lots of shock…yes I was the most surprised…meant I had to conquer this voice. 

Finally, just when I (emphasis on I) had it under control, I went to my first appointment with my midwife.  The result- no heartbeat.  She explained it could be too early (true), and that the due date could be off and I may not be 10 weeks (true).  But NO HEARTBEAT??  This mama put on a smile.  Yet my heart was breaking and my brain was full of voices.  The kind of voices that I thought I conquered.  The doubts were spiraling out of control.  Next appointment: in 2 weeks. 

That night I put the pieces together.  God could have let me hear a heartbeat.  He has complete control.  I knew in my heart that He wanted my trust.  He wanted my praise.  Worship was on my mind.  I decided to honor God with two weeks of full on worship.  Prayer, study, praise.  All in.

Holding steady, I had a moment that made me burst.  Tears and all.  I was in need of a hug.  For real.  I want so badly to hold my baby.  But the thought of that not happening was such a huge possibility.  The pain hit hard.  Since then, it’s been a series of ups and downs.  I am learning to let God conquer that voice now. 

My appointment is coming up in a few days.  I couldn’t be more thankful that God has given me this time.  He has and continues to teach me, so much more than I could write now.  I truly know that God has me and my baby in His hands.  He is my strength.  He holds me together.  He forgives and loves like no other.  He alone I can trust. 

Five!

How I have longed to write this post.  Here we go.  I’M PREGNANT!  Here’s the story.  Late December I was grumpy and achy.  Waited for my period.  January arrived.  She was a no show.  Weird.  I must be starting some irregular thing I supposed.  BUT just in case, I’m gonna stop at the Dollar Store for a test.  Then Ella and I drove across the street to Hobby Lobby.  And I peed on this tiny little test.  As it turns out I didn’t follow the directions.  They are serious when they say to pee in a cup and use the dropper.  So we got back in the car.  Got another test.  I stood in a different line this time and wondered if the other cashier would recognize me.  Then Ella and I went food shopping at Publix and we headed to Sarah’s house so I could perform this test properly.  

We waited like thirty seconds.  Sarah said, “Well?”  There were two bright pink lines.  I dropped to my knees and Sarah’s mouth dropped to the floor.  She was speechless for the first time and I just kept repeating, “Five! Five! Five! Five!" 

Sarah sent me home with prenatal vitamins.  I planned on telling Billy before dinner.  His car pulled up and I stuck the pregnancy test in my pocket.  I was cooking dinner and putting away all the groceries.  He laid his lunch bag on the counter and said, “What’s this?”  Crap. I forgot to hide the prenatal vitamins!  So I handed him the news that I hid in my pocket.  “I was hoping you were,” was his reaction.

I have waited to blog out of fear of something going wrong.  It’s taken me a long time to wrestle with so many thoughts.  God continues to work them out for me.

A Little Girl's Question

Traveling in the car today, Alayna asks out of nowhere, "If you die and go to Heaven, what do you do up there if you are dead?" I explained that once you die you are either face to face with Lord in Heaven or you are separated from Him forever.  But either way, your body is dead but your spirit lives on.  We then talked about all the fun things that we like do to...eat yummy food, play with dogs, laugh and giggle, dance and sing.  Life would be how God intended it, with no pain or sickness or sorrow.  I think she understands that life goes on once you die.  You can spend it with God doing those fun things or not.  She understands what Hell is.  A place of torture without God.  All this talk I think is a result of prayer.  I have been praying that Alayna starts to understand what it means to have a relationship with God.  One where you confess your sin, admit He is Lord, and ask Him into your heart.  She knows right from wrong and she knows He forgives.  Now she is starting to understand and put into perspective everlasting life.  She is amazing to listen to.  She asks great questions.  Alayna is figuring out for herself where she stands with God.  She loves Him and is thankful for Him.  But pretty soon, she will know Him through the power of the Holy Spirit.  For it is He that is drawing near to her as she asks to draw near to Him.  It is both beautiful and powerful to observe.  


** Our conversation lead to another connection.  Cailin said that we would meet Aunt Mandie when we get to Heaven.  We talked about meeting her for the first time.  My eyes got blurry.**

A Glimpse

Is it bad when I can't remember the web address to my own blog?

I don't like Pizza Hut anymore. There I said it, and my family (esp. Billy) will just have to deal with it.  If I can recall this accurately 3 out 4 kids have had the stomach bug right BEFORE eating there.  I don't blame Pizza Hut.  But somehow it happens.  Ella was not feeling great today (apparently).  She "threw up" twice.  Nothing big.  She managed to let it be known that she officially wasn't feeling great.  She wet her pants just before we left.  It wasn't from pee pee.  The toilet is clogged at the restaurant.  Sorry.

I found out today that Alayna says prayers at AWANA.  Prayers of thankfulness for Lady Gaga and Justin Beiber.  Just putting this out there, that they are not spoken of (often) in our house nor do we have a need to show them gratitude.  Upon hearing this, I pulled over the car.  The kids could tell how upset this made me feel.  I calmed down, knowing that she knew better and she was doing it for the laughs.  Yes, a topic Billy needs to address with her.  On a brighter note, she has been doing a sweet job saying her prayers at night.  So well, that she has her two copy cats following her. That is another reason, on a list of many...not to say prayers of thankfulness for Lady Gaga and Justin Beiber.  Moving on...

Cailin is very handy with her hands.  She recently learned how to put a ponytail in her doll's hair.  She moved onto my hair and her own hair.  She wants to learn how to braid.  She is working on it. Her goal right now (her personal goal) is to be able to tie her own shoes. Again, she's working on it.  She actually practices this stuff all day.  Cailin also has been interested in crocheting.  I have just completed my very own crochet project...potholders.  I am going to attempt to make some scarves for the kids.  I am very thankful for my new hobby and for my teacher.  But it's new.  New to me. Everytime I sit to work on a project Cailin asks if she can help.  Eventually I give in.  It's quite a sight to see my hands on her hands trying to work together.

I do have another kid.  Eric Matthew.  He's doing well.  Still into sports and music.  He is currently into MadLibs.  You know, where you fill in random nouns, verbs, and adjectives in order to make a silly story.  He is also in the middle of reading a chapter book, beyond his reading level, about Ronde and Tiki Barber.  It's about their start in middle school as football players.  He is also getting ready for the Christmas show at his school.  He gets to play Jingle Bells on his guitar in front of his grade with his fellow musicians.  He is all over the place.  Speaking of that, he leaves his stuff all over the place.  He runs all over the place...usually throwing a ball off the wall and catching it.   With Eric everywhere, it could drive a person crazy.  But I wouldn't like it any other way.  Well, I would like at least his stuff put away.

Billy and I are doing well.  We are currently in a great Bible study series in 1 Peter.  I will save that for another post.  Who knows? Maybe weeks won't pass by before I write again.  Though I might start taking classes for my Masters Degree.  Sooo.....

Read me book

Ella has always loved to read.  Since the moment it was possible, she would say to whoever sat down on the couch in our playroom, "Read me book."  Whether you sat down to relax, to do work, or even do laundry or tie your shoe, she'd say, "Read me book."  So today, my house was somewhat clean and the laundry was even done and I sat down to read to her as much as I could.  I read until my voice became hoarse.  Then we played file folder games I had created when her sisters were younger.  Matching patterns, colors, animals, shapes, and so on.  Then we moved on to clothespin games. We ended up reading more and playing outside.

As a mom of four there are true moments of insanity.  All four kids talking at once.  All four wanting something different.  I've played four different games at once before.  It's a normal feeling to be tugged in so many directions.

Tomorrow I am going to sub at the kids' school.  And Monday and Tuesday I will work at the Corn Maze. I am thankful that our sports season is coming to an end. (Don't get me wrong...football and cheerleading has been a lot of fun for our whole family!)  Despite so many moments of busyness, there are in between moments of  fresh air: like reading to Ella, listening to Eric play his guitar, helping Alayna write and draw, and letting Cailin do my hair.

My fresh air today was playing "school" with Ella. It's those special moments that makes me so very thankful.  The girls and I piled on the couch again tonight and reread all the books that I read Ella this morning.

Not sure how this is going to sound, but I think that God wants us to sit on his lap and to get comfy, cozy and say to Him, "Read me book."  He wants us to open His word, so He can teach us His knowledge...His insights, His peace, His love.  He has the advantage of being so awesome, that He doesn't ever feel tugged in too many directions.  He is amazing enough to teach and love completely to all, at once.  We should probably take Him up on His offers.

I think I can...I think I can...

November can't come soon enough.  Football, Cheerleading, AWANA, Guitar Lessons, Working at the Corn Maze, Substitute Teaching, Helping at Elevate, Having a Mom's Bible Study and a Wednesday Night Bible Study, Fall Festivals, Field trips...  I am holding up through all the busyness, well...all but my immune system.  It's that time of year when we need to get adjusted to having the windows open for the next six months.  My mind is scattered on so many topics to write about.  This is where I give up.  I promise to return.  Focused.  Soon.

First Day of School '11

Apparently, the first day of school happened a while back.  Since these pictures were taken its been a whirlwind.  Each year we work on adding in a smooth flowing schedule to the morning and now weeks later, just when I thought they caught on to the way we work in the morning...they start doing their own methods and we end up falling behind and somehow everyone ends up in the bathroom at the same time.  Loading these pictures reminds me it's about time to buckle down on that schedule and start bribing them for doing it in order and without meltdowns.  

Ella still tries to get dressed when the big kids do, but I keep reminding her that the peanut butter and/or syrup will not match the tooth paste that will end up on her.

 Cailin wanted to wear the same dress Alayna wore last year.

 I do wonder if she had a few sips of my coffee...

 Wiping the toothpaste away...now I need to get them to remember not to decorate the entire sink with it.

 We added exercises to the end of our "Get Ready" routine...they really like it and I hope to add some yoga stretches in soon.

 Alayna started Kindergarten.

 Eric started Second Grade.

 Cailin started PreK.