Days have passed since the anniversary of Mandie's death. I would have loved to blog about her that day, but time wouldn't allow. Funny, huh, how precious life is, that it could end at any moment. I certainly know this to be true. The idea strikes home for me, big time...and still I allow time to take hold of me, instead of I taking hold of it.
Anyway, not having my sister around these last eleven years has been hard. Way too hard for me to express with any magical words to make you understand. The way pain, loss, and grief grip you- no words could do it justice. I can describe, though, the things that I miss....the things that anger me...and the things that I have learned.
I miss...her smile, her giggle, her eyes- she needed contacts, her nails- she always had painted, her skin- more golden than mine, her hair- thicker than mine, her handwriting- worse than mine. When I close my eyes and imagine her- it's automatic...chest pain.
I could be silliest with Mandie. She truly knew me- inside and out. She cared for me...she cared for many. She desired to honor the Lord in all that she did. Even though we fought for the remote control...and clothes...and bathroom time...I knew she was always praying for me. I truly miss my sister in the Lord.
I wish so badly for my kids to know their Aunt Mandie. Eric remembered last year on August 4th...we watched home movies so he could see his Aunt and what she was like. He remembered watching the movies...that means so much to me. She whined to Mom and Dad...much like Cailin does. She was feisty- much like Alayna. We wrestled each other quite often- much like all my kids do. I can only pray that the relationships that my children share with each other, are cherished...much like the memories Chris and I have of Mandie.
There's a bit of me too...that's angered. Anger with the man who killed her. Anger about the lack of justice she received. (He only got a careless driving ticket.) Anger that she's gone. Anger that my parents are not the same. Don't get me wrong...I have forgiven and I have accepted. God has blessed me with a unique understanding, over time and with lots of prayer.
I have learned that God is all knowing and all powerful. I have learned that God is everywhere and He always is and was and is to come. I have learned that He allowed Mandie to die. This angered me the most until I realized how much God really loves me. God allows so many things to happen. Tragedies take place to so many everyday. Tragedies have always been and always will be. I don't know why. But, and this is hard, I don't have to know why. There is a peace in knowing that God is God, and I am not. There is peace in knowing Him. Peace is knowing that He loves me so much that He sent His Son to die for my sins. Peace in believing this and knowing Him personally surpasses any knowledge I could ask for about why my sister was killed.
The deepest pain is knowing that she is not here to pray with me and encourage me. The biggest responsibilities come from the promises I made to her while laying her casket in the ground. The most glorious part of the story...my life today- filled with a loving husband and four amazing children. Thank you Mandie.
