Only You

Father, in your compassion and abounding love, reside over me and my baby.  With your mighty power have your hand upon the baby.  Only You, can breathe life upon the baby. Only You, can supply me with needed patience, peace, and faithfulness.  Only You, can create.  Only You, can knit this baby and grow this baby.  As I write, I become more and more assured in who You are.  Only You, can form us and bring us to life.  You are an amazing Father full is full of grace, kindness, and mercy- for this I am so thankful.  Continue to have Your way with me.  You want me on my knees.  You want me praying, serving, and worshipping.  You want me completely dependent on You alone.  You have me. Use these moments for Your glory.  Help me to choose good.  Choose to be joyful.  Choose to be hopeful.  Choose to focus on the mighty works of Your hands. Choose to be fully invested in You- for in You I find all I need.  Praise to your Holy Name. 

Here’s the back story.  When I found out I was pregnant, I had these strange and terrible thoughts.  How can God really bless me with five children?  Who am I that He would entrust another to me?  Am I due for trials?  I never had a miscarriage…is it my turn?  Working through lots of shock…yes I was the most surprised…meant I had to conquer this voice. 

Finally, just when I (emphasis on I) had it under control, I went to my first appointment with my midwife.  The result- no heartbeat.  She explained it could be too early (true), and that the due date could be off and I may not be 10 weeks (true).  But NO HEARTBEAT??  This mama put on a smile.  Yet my heart was breaking and my brain was full of voices.  The kind of voices that I thought I conquered.  The doubts were spiraling out of control.  Next appointment: in 2 weeks. 

That night I put the pieces together.  God could have let me hear a heartbeat.  He has complete control.  I knew in my heart that He wanted my trust.  He wanted my praise.  Worship was on my mind.  I decided to honor God with two weeks of full on worship.  Prayer, study, praise.  All in.

Holding steady, I had a moment that made me burst.  Tears and all.  I was in need of a hug.  For real.  I want so badly to hold my baby.  But the thought of that not happening was such a huge possibility.  The pain hit hard.  Since then, it’s been a series of ups and downs.  I am learning to let God conquer that voice now. 

My appointment is coming up in a few days.  I couldn’t be more thankful that God has given me this time.  He has and continues to teach me, so much more than I could write now.  I truly know that God has me and my baby in His hands.  He is my strength.  He holds me together.  He forgives and loves like no other.  He alone I can trust. 

Five!

How I have longed to write this post.  Here we go.  I’M PREGNANT!  Here’s the story.  Late December I was grumpy and achy.  Waited for my period.  January arrived.  She was a no show.  Weird.  I must be starting some irregular thing I supposed.  BUT just in case, I’m gonna stop at the Dollar Store for a test.  Then Ella and I drove across the street to Hobby Lobby.  And I peed on this tiny little test.  As it turns out I didn’t follow the directions.  They are serious when they say to pee in a cup and use the dropper.  So we got back in the car.  Got another test.  I stood in a different line this time and wondered if the other cashier would recognize me.  Then Ella and I went food shopping at Publix and we headed to Sarah’s house so I could perform this test properly.  

We waited like thirty seconds.  Sarah said, “Well?”  There were two bright pink lines.  I dropped to my knees and Sarah’s mouth dropped to the floor.  She was speechless for the first time and I just kept repeating, “Five! Five! Five! Five!" 

Sarah sent me home with prenatal vitamins.  I planned on telling Billy before dinner.  His car pulled up and I stuck the pregnancy test in my pocket.  I was cooking dinner and putting away all the groceries.  He laid his lunch bag on the counter and said, “What’s this?”  Crap. I forgot to hide the prenatal vitamins!  So I handed him the news that I hid in my pocket.  “I was hoping you were,” was his reaction.

I have waited to blog out of fear of something going wrong.  It’s taken me a long time to wrestle with so many thoughts.  God continues to work them out for me.